Lawn Mowers From Hell


When the riding mower went down, I knew I was in trouble.

Then it rained, again.

I’m too fat to push a lawn mower. So I needed something self-propelled.

The people at Wal-mart were great – the only suitiable mower started out with a ‘repaired by’ ticket on it. Discounted and folded up, we got it in the back of the PT Cruiser.

It lasted 2 minutes before the drive siezed up.

Hubby decided to ‘help.’ He carelessly tossed the mower in the back of the trailer and got really snarky when I suggested we tie it down.

Three bumps later, I pulled into a parking lot, just as the lawn mower started to slide off the trailer. This time I tied it down, but since we were having one of those cute little ‘discussions’ that happen when a man is wrong and the woman is pissed off…I didn’t check both ends of the tie down.

A couple miles down the road – after he assured me that the mower hadn’t moved (he lied), I pulled into another parking lot, just as the mower was sliding off the back of the trailer AGAIN.

Advice to men: if you are wrong twice, just shut your mouth. Don’t make any noise, don’t even say you are sorry. Because if you do…well, you get what you deserve.

Back at the other Wal-mart (the people were great, again) we picked up another mower. Got that one home (strapped down like a wild animal.) It was the wrong one.

I had errands to run, so I took the trailer off the car. Oh what a mistake. It started to storm, so I quickly put the trailer on the car, and backed the trailer into the barn. The trailer popped up, the ball wasn’t fastened, the trailer slid forward and scratched the hatch. I didn’t have time to cry over the car…but I’m still sniveling.

The next day, I took it back, still in the box.

(Are you seeing a pattern here? I am – and it didn’t stop with mower #3 either.)

The next mower up was out of my price range. So I went to Home Depot, where the people were really great…but someone hit my trailer.

Granted, there aren’t a whole lot of PT Cruisers pulling trailers. But she really, really hurt her Toyota RAV4. All I can think of was that she was traveling at a good clip and never slowed down when she heard the scraping noise. The gouge out of her car went from front wheel to rear wheel, and the (flat) rear wheel had a DEEP slice in the tire.

So the box with mower #4 went into the trailer and was strapped down. It rained all the way home. Not a sprinkle either – a hard and heavy rain.

That mower gave us a lot of trouble. It wouldn’t start, the handles were shoved through the housing. Took us 2 hours to figure out what the problem was.

Once we figured it out, the mower ran great, for an hour.

Then the front wheel drive gave out.

Mind you, my lawn is still growing. Every time it rains it grows an inch. We are talking about a lawn fertilized with years of chicken droppings. When we moved it, there wasn’t much grass. You could see the soil between the blades. No longer.

Even with the lawnmower on it’s highest setting, the grass is still long. Even just clipping the top inch or two, the mower labors in spots. 

The people who work in Wal-mart and Home Depot are great. I can’t say enough nice things about them. They work for huge corporations that pay the lowest wages and in some cases, discriminate against workers based on age and gender. Also the merchandise leaves a lot to be desired. I didn’t buy the cheapest mowers – I bought the mid-priced high end mowers.

Three of them didn’t work, one wasn’t what I needed. I’m pretty darn frustrated with this whole mess. I didn’t know what else to do, but take the dead mower back.

I had a choice between a Toro with a Briggs and Stratton engine and a Lawnboy with a Kolhar engine. All three of the dead mowers had Briggs and Stratton engines. So we went with the Lawnboy.

This time the mower did fine. It was the operator that gave out. I started coughing about 3/4 of the way through. The back yard is full of ragweed, I’m sure that had something to do with it.

Under normal circumstances, a married woman would have a partner to fall back on. Unfortunately, my ‘partner’ was on his back in bed, staring at the ceiling, where he’s been for over a year now.

I have an issue with this.

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